Don't confuse empathy with weak boundaries
Sometimes, there's greater virtue in being straightforward than pleasant.
I can set strong boundaries in my work, with clients, with my family and friends.
Naturally, I assumed I could do the same in my relationship.
I couldn’t.
Many of the situations that involved my boundaries went something like this:
my boundary was crossed, but I didn’t see it as a crossed boundary, just as a misunderstanding
I felt that I needed to defend something - myself, my habits, my views, my way of thinking
I was also pushing myself not to defend these things too much - I didn’t want to be selfish. I’ve been told from various sources - books, articles, friends’ advice - that empathy is good and I should be more empathetic.
To be empathetic, I gave in a bit more every time. It was gradual, little by little I let my boundaries become more and more permeable, and in the process, I started to question myself a bit more each time.
But this wasn’t empathy.
I was rolling over too much. I was taking on more of my partner’s emotions, allowing more drama, and compromising more of my life than was healthy for my well-being.
Empathy isn’t about being there always.
Empathy isn’t about always being nice and pleasant.
Empathy isn’t about cutting away from yourself to give to someone else.
You are not being selfish if you say something is too much for you.
You are not being selfish if you say that’s not your problem.
Before you think about being empathetic towards others, you should focus on being happy and balanced yourself.
You can’t pour out of an empty glass.
I’d dare to say that one of the prerequisites of being more empathetic is being sensibly selfish.
Not ignorant selfish, but healthy selfish. Tending to your own needs and worries before you tend to others.
If you neglect your own needs, and let others trample over your boundaries, empathy will feel like another heavy load to carry.
But if you are feeling balanced, set healthy boundaries, and ensure they are not crossed, empathy will feel like a gift you want to give to someone.
Empathy isn’t only about giving out to others - we need to be empathetic towards ourselves too.
What does that mean? Being empathetic towards myself?
It means trusting your intuition more.
If something doesn’t feel right, trust it.
If you feel something is too much, it very likely is.
If you feel something is missing, it very likely is - you just need to identify what it is, deep down. It might be masked by other things on the surface - but very often - as it was in my case - it was about my boundaries.
Being empathetic towards myself means the same thing as being empathetic toward others - apply the same recommended pillars of empathy:
Active Listening: Truly hearing and understanding what others are saying, beyond just the words. This involves paying full attention, not interrupting, and showing genuine interest in the speaker's perspective.
But also truly hearing and understanding what your body and mind is telling you.
Perspective-Taking: The ability to put oneself in someone else's shoes, to understand their feelings, thoughts, and motivations from their point of view, rather than one's own.
This one’s easy - you are in your shoes. Don’t let external recommendations and advice distort your feelings. Don’t simplify or rationalize what you feel - listen to it instead. It is ok to feel what you feel, try to understand why.
Nonjudgmental Stance: Approaching others' experiences and feelings without judging them. This means accepting their perspective as valid, even if it differs from one's own beliefs or experiences.
Feel angry? Let down? Pressured? Disrespected? It’s ok. These feelings are normal when our boundaries are crossed. Don’t judge yourself - you are not bad/selfish/spoiled etc. Don’t act on the anger or anything else you might be feeling, but take the feeling as a good indicator that a boundary was crossed. Identify which one and communicate it clearly later, when the feeling subsides.
Recognizing Emotions: Being able to identify and understand the emotions that someone else is experiencing. This includes noticing nonverbal cues like body language and facial expressions.
The same goes for you - watch yourself. What are you feeling? Describe it. Why are you feeling it? Describe it. Like you would identify emotions in a child, identify them in your inner child.
Communicating Understanding: Expressing that you understand how the other person feels, often by paraphrasing or summarizing what they've said, and acknowledging their emotions.
Tell yourself that you understand why you feel that way and that it’s ok. The angry/upset/disrespected child inside won’t go away, acknowledge its feelings, understand them, but don’t act on them or act them out.
Emotional Regulation: Managing one's own emotions effectively to be present and supportive for others. This involves being aware of how your emotions might influence your response and maintaining a calm, composed demeanor.
Just replace “others” with “yourself” in the above sentence. Respond to your emotions calmly, as a wise parent would to an upset child.
Compassion and Concern: Feeling and expressing genuine concern for the well-being of others, and a desire to help if needed or appropriate.
Feel and express genuine concern for the wellbeing of yourself and a desire to help yourself.
With Sensimism in mind: Just as a seed needs nurturing soil and gentle care to grow into a strong, resilient tree, cultivating empathy within ourselves lays the foundation for extending empathy toward others. In nature, everything is interconnected; similarly, our internal empathy enriches our ability to understand and connect with the world around us.
By learning to be empathetic towards yourself, you’ll gain the right tools to be empathetic towards others.
TLDR;
Know your boundaries, set and communicate them clearly first.
Learn to be empathetic toward yourself first. This includes the above-mentioned boundaries. Be your own guard of the castle.
Once you do this, you’ll feel much more balanced and empathy towards others will happen naturally.
Back to my relationship - once we both realized how important knowing, setting and respecting boundaries is, many things changed. We both feel stronger understanding and respect. We both feel heard and seen. We can handle conflict much more calmly. We don’t bicker.
Things I enjoyed recently
how friendships devolved during our time and why, and how we can fix them, by Rosie Spinks
Pretty much anything by The School of Life, like this one on Pornography or Two questions to repair a relationship [YouTube]
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